Beth and I on our wedding day - cute couple, eh?

Dear Men: I Struggle… in my Marriage.

My wife is my best friend and the most beautiful, talented, and caring woman I have ever met. But to be real with you, I still struggle in my marriage:

• I struggle with letting go of my independence – doing away with ‘bachelor’ thinking – planning my day, week, month as if everything is up to me.
• I struggle with selfishness – being annoyed or upset when my wife interrupts my work time, reading time, or time alone.
• I struggle with reading my wife’s motives properly – sometimes I am completely wrong about the intention behind her words or actions.
• I struggle with empathy – trying to understand what my wife is thinking and feeling without trying to fix it.
• I struggle with doubt – about my ability to provide for all of my wife’s needs, whether I am any good at marriage, whether I made the right decision, whether I know what the heck I am doing.
• I struggle with temptation – the voice that pops up every once in a while wondering if the ‘grass is greener on the other side?’
• I struggle with comparison – how are we doing in our marriage (better or worse) compared to other married couples?
• I struggle with uncertainty – not exactly knowing where we are going or what we will be doing there.
• I struggle with time management – how much time is ‘enough’ to spend with my wife and work on my dreams?
• I struggle with hypocrisy – talking and writing about how great my marriage is but then not treating my wife like I should.
• I struggle with originality and creativity – trying to think of new and exciting things to do/talk about/experience.
• I struggle with pride – sometimes verbally pounding on my wife when I disagree with her or feel that she is dead wrong.
• I struggle with lack of structure in a marriage – sometimes feeling like I can ‘slot’ my wife into certain parts of my schedule. Then, I realize that my wife is not an appointment or meeting.
• I struggle with trying to ‘formulaize’ my marriage – trying to find the right formula for time, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch… and then realizing painfully that I was wrong… and then trying a different formula.
• I struggle with living in the same house with someone – and having differences in philosophy on cleanliness, order, and organization.
• I struggle with showing weakness and vulnerability – sometimes trying to cover up my fears, doubts, addictions, and struggles from my wife so that I don’t hurt her feelings or diminish her respect for me.
• I struggle with anger – on the rare occasion when I feel my wife disrespects or babys me.
• I struggle with discontent - having a pity party over why I need to suffer with my wife’s weaknesses and shortcomings. 
• I struggle with being reactive in my marriage as opposed to being proactive – am I making progress or just managing to get through?
• I struggle not being honest and open with my wife about a lot of things that are happening in my life – when she asks me how my day was, I usually don’t have much to say.
• I struggle with unsaid expectations – such as ‘my wife should be making dinner’ or ‘my wife should be doing or saying _____’
• I struggle with neediness – trying to be ‘strong’, detached, and independent when I fail instead of humble, admitting that I need my wife’s support to get through.
• I struggle with taking leadership – when I am not even sure myself if I know what the heck I am doing.
• I struggle with forgetfulness – not remembering really simple or basic things that I have no business forgetting.
• I struggle with staying in the present moment when listening to my wife – I may start thinking about my business or what’s important to me when my wife wants someone to actively listen to her.
• I struggle with being too busy to show my wife enough affection – a feeling like ‘there is not enough time’ and the pressure it creates makes it difficult to take the time to show my wife affection. 

Above all, I struggle to love my wife as much as I should, as much as she loves and cares for me. Sometimes I feel like she is way ahead and I wonder what’s wrong with me.  Is there enough love in me to provide for what she needs?

One thing I keep coming back to is this: great marriages are amazing but also messy. There is a lot of trial and error… a lot of mistakes… do overs… forgiveness… grace… vulnerability. 

But at the end of the day, I remind myself that despite my struggles, waiting for me at home is my biggest fan, supporter, confidant, and lover.  And that gives me hope in the struggle. 

Dear Men: I Struggle. And I know you do, too.