The Parkes Family

My grandmother is a remarkable woman. Although almost 92 years old, she is still smart as a whip and one of the most caring and kind people you will ever meet. No matter where she goes, my grandmother has a great time – laughing and telling stories all the while.

She also says funny things – a lot. And not just heart warming, knee slapping funny. We’re talking crazy, tears in the eyes, ‘you should take this on the road’ kind of funny.

Unfortunately, for Christmas dinner last night at the Parkes residence, a few people were not able to join us:
- my sister, Leslie
- my Uncle Peter and Aunt Mary
- my cousins Candace and Lauren along with their delightful partners Thom and Earl, respectively
- my cousin Helaena’s boyfriend, Enzo

So, as my Christmas gift to them, I decided to record a few of my grandmother’s most memorable lines and compile them into a top 10 list. Without further adieu, let’s get started:

10. ‘Those strippers never had a purse. Just a fistful of money.’ (referring to the clients that most frequented the tanning salon that my grandmother used to own)

9. ‘You go in. Take your clothes off. And then pray, I guess.’ (referring to what people do when they go into a tanning salon bed)

8. ‘I never shop at Wal-Mart. It smells funny in there.’

7. ‘Who’s that kid with the dirty face?’ (in reference to a picture of my aunt and uncle’s dog, Theo which my grandmother thought was her grandchild)

6. ‘Did whosit it come with you?’ (to my cousin Helaena in reference to her boyfriend, Enzo)
‘No, he’s on vacation,’ Helaena says.
‘Oh, good. That’s gotta be the first time he’s had a vacation, isn’t it?

5. ‘You’d go to jail if you ever got pregnant teaching when I was in school.’

4. ‘You lost your job and she lost her job, so you decided to come home. Good for you.’ (mistakenly thinking that my wife, Beth and I came home for Christmas because we are both unemployed)

3. ‘If you just write a few cheques, it’s a lot easier.’ (on Christmas gift giving)

2. ‘Oh, great… a Velcro strap. Just like a kid. Whoopee’ (on the new shoes she received for Christmas)

1. ‘Were you planning on giving her a call? Don’t you dare – she’s taken.’ (to my cousin Jonathan who she believed might be interested in asking my wife, Beth out on a date)

Bonuses:

‘A girl in medical school? Awful course for a girl – 7 years of school? What is she thinking?’

‘She should have got the strap earlier to sort that one out.’ (on disciplining a social media crazed 20 year old)

‘Give me another scoop of slaw. We don’t get much of that where I’m from.’

‘Ohhh… corduroy pants. Wow. Just what I asked for… thanks. They will be for church!’

‘They’re not ladies. They’re women with kids and divorces.’ (in reference to some of the women that work at her retirement community)

‘You got 100%? Wow. Is it a young man that’s teaching you?’ (in reference to my cousin, Helaena’s recent perfect score on a school project – my grandmother is hypothesizing that foul play may be involved)

‘You’ve written six books? No wonder you aren’t doing the housework!’ (to me in reference to the e-books I have written)

‘L-Euchre’ (how my grandmother refers to the card game, Euchre – she is a Bridge player.)

On people older than her:
‘Those old ladies just lick up the booze. They lick, lick, lick it up.’
‘Once they’re leaning on a buggy, it’s over.’ (buggy = walker)
‘Good appetites they’ve got. As long as they’re chewing, they’re happy.’