Lust – excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature

Today is the last installment of the 7 Deadly Sins of Dating series. I tried to save the best for last, people!

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the ‘journey’ of life versus the ‘destination.’  Think about it – we all have destinations we want to get to – places, goals, dreams, or outcomes. It could be to…

• find a life partner and get married
• start a business
• have children
• travel to an exotic country
• become a millionaire and retire by age 30
• start an exotic sea horse farm and petting zoo

Whatever the destination is, there’s a common theme: a vision of what it looks like and the realization that we aren’t there yet.

The ‘aren’t there yet’ part is key. What kind of person are you being and becoming during the ‘aren’t there yet’ part? What character traits are being formed and shaped as you move steadily towards the destination? Above all, are you enjoying and savouring every moment of the journey so that you don’t show up at the destination one day wondering:

‘Is this it??!!’

The problem is that many of us, especially men, are impatient. We want the destination(s) NOW or as soon as possible. We start university and think about our first job. Then we start our first job and want to be boss. Then we become the boss and want to become Senior Boss. Then we become Senior Boss and wonder when we are going to become Chief Boss. Then we become Chief Boss and wonder when the heck we are going to retire.

I call this ‘Destination Living.’ A great way to not enjoy the present and one day wake up and wonder where the heck your whole life went.

Dating

When any man walks by a beautiful woman (or vice versa), he has two options:

• Option 1: Appreciate and admire her beauty. 
• Option 2: Option 1 PLUS see her as a sexual ‘destination.’ In other words, ‘How do I talk her into sleeping with me as quickly as possible?’

The obvious problem with Option 2 is that it completely lacks patience and disrespects the journey. It basically implies that the journey is irrelevant – almost as if the question is how do I get air dropped directly from here to there (her and I in bed) as soon as possible? A woman (or man) is not a destination - we need to respect and enjoy the journey as it makes arriving at the destination so much sweeter.

It's greedy to chop down trees, kids.

Greed – excessive desire and pursuit, mainly of money, wealth, or power

What is ‘enough’ for you?  In other words: 

• What is enough work?
• What is enough money?
• What is enough time at work?
• What is enough time at the gym?
• What is enough time spent on Facebook?
• What is enough to eat?

The list could go on and on.

There is something about being human that makes us seek after more when we haven’t defined ‘enough’ in advance. Have you ever noticed that when you’re hungry, you grossely overestimate how much food you actually need to be full? (I hope it’s not just me!)  The problem is that the worst time to stop is in the moment – it is very difficult to be objective enough to set and adhere to limits while involved in the actual activity we are trying to stop.

I believe men are especially susceptible to not knowing when ‘enough’ is. Why? Because from a young age we learn to be real men by going after more… achieving more… working harder and longer to win. For us, if ‘enough’ has not been defined, there is something inside us that will keep pushing to see what we can get. And with a lot of men’s self esteem built on the ability to achieve, it makes sense that a man will spend 80 hours a week pouring himself into his work to feel good about himself. Or, unfortunately, using every trick in the book in an attempt to sleep with a woman on the first date.

Dating

What is ‘enough’ in dating?  Here are some key questions:

• What is enough time to know someone before you ask them out?
• What is enough time before you are officially ‘together?’
• What is enough time to spend together?
• What is enough in terms of how much you reveal about youself in the beginning of a relationship?
• What is enough time to know if you love someone?
• What is enough in terms of how far to go physically with someone you are dating?

What are the answers?  I don’t know.  However, I would say that two things are important in figuring out ‘enough’ in a dating relationship:

1. Intentional Communication - honest, deliberate conversations before and during a dating relationship that sets healthy emotional, physical, and time boundaries is key.  Also important is a deep desire and conviction to adhere to these boundaries despite pressure in the moment to ‘get more.’
2. Not Letting Feelings Decide - our feelings are a bad proxy for ’enough’ 

Dear Men,

Below is a video of a song called ’My Stupid Mouth’ by John Mayer.   Please listen to and read the song lyrics. 

Then, I want you to remember something that Mr. Mayer says and completely forget something else on your next date: 

1. DO: Think Before (and As) You Speak
   • If you start rambling on and on about something and it seems like you’ve been talking for 79 minutes, you are probably right. Stop yourself. Take a breath. Then, smile, look the beautiful woman across the table from you in the eye, and ask her a question that begins with ‘What…’ or ‘How…’ Get curious about her!
2. DON’T: Give Up
   • Okay, so she’s not laughing at your jokes or doesn’t appear to like you. Don’t sweat it.  The date is not a failure and you are not a loser.  Maybe it means you need to change your approach a little bit… maybe not.  Either way, you’re there to get to know someone and hopefully have some fun. Not audition for American Dating Idol with a woman that looks and sounds like Simon Cowell.

Cool?

Until next time,

Andrew      

Lyrics:

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday

And I could see
She was offended
She said “well anyway…”
Just dying for a subject change

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said “think befor speaking”

No filter in my head
Oh, what’s a boy to do
I guess he better find what soon
We bit our lips

She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly, An indelible line was drawn

Between what was good, what JUST slipped out and what went wrong
Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?

Mama said “think before speaking”
No filter in my head
Oh, what’s a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I’m never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I’d rather be a mystery
Than she desert me

Oh I’m never speaking up again
Starting now… Starting now
One more thing
Why is it my fault?

So maybe I try too hard
But it’s all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny

Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire
I’m never speaking up again
it only hurts me

I’d rather be a mystery
than she desert me
oh i’m never speaking up again
i’m never speaking up again

i’m never speaking up again
Starting now, starting now…

Green with envy.

Envy – a feeling of resentment towards others as in when another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking and wish the other person to be deprived of it.

Comparisons are deadly.  Especially when we compare ourselves to the best parts of others forgetting that these people have just as many weaknesses and failures as us… we just chose not to see them temporarily.  If someone else is better than me in some area, the critical, nagging, bitchy part of my mind usually gravitates to this question:

‘Andrew, why aren’t you as ______ as they are?’ (Fill in the blank with: handsome, talented, charming, rich, suave, etc.)

It’s hard to blame us from allowing us to happen. Beginning at a young age, we are compared: grades in school, sports ability, how good looking you are.  Now that we’re all grown up and mature adults, it still happens – just in a different form: 

• How much money do you make?
• What do you do? 
• What kind of car do you drive? 

We take the answers to these questions and line them up against where someone should be in life compared to peers.  

Let’s take the car question as an example.  If you are a 35 year old single male lawyer dressed in brand new Hugo Boss suits and you drive a beat up 1993 Dodge Grand Caravan, a question pops into my head: 

Why the heck is he driving that?

My mind compares what this man should be driving (maybe a BMW 5 series?) to what he is actually driving (Dodge Grand Caravan.)  Something does not line up here.   

What does this have to do with dating?  Examine the detremental comparisons you are making between you (if you are not in a relationship) and your friends in relationships.  Here are 3 common ones I see: 

• ‘He’s married so he must be a lot happier than me.’
• ‘How does a loser like that get a girl like her?’
• ‘They have such a perfect relationship.  I wish I had that.’

Notice the deadly formula in these comparisons:  

1. FACT(ie. ‘He’s married’)
2. INCORRECT ASSUMPTION(ie. ‘He must be happy if he’s married.’)
3. INCORRECT PERSONAL APPLICATION QUESTION (ie. ‘Why can’t I find happiness like that? I suck.’) 

No, you do not suck. For whatever reason, at this moment in time, you are not in a relationship – that’s it.  Now, shall we get to work on finding you one?

A PRIDE of lions - the best pic I could come up with. Sue me!

Pride – what an interesting double edged sword this 5 letter word is.

On one hand, there is the good side of pride: a feeling of self-respect and personal worth. Being proud of myself and who I am. A strong, well balanced sense of personal pride shows on the outside in my appearance and on the inside in the way I speak and how I feel about myself.

Then there is the dark side of pride – having an unreasonable and inordinate sense of personal worth. In other words, being so proud of myself that I don’t see my own mistakes, weaknesses, or where I need help in my life.

Here’s how the dark side of pride shows up:

• I am always right (I do not need to learn new things)
• Nothing that happens to me is my fault (I am not responsible for my life)
• I don’t need help from anyone for anything (I can do everything on my own)

At the root, the dark side of pride is a complete self focus as in:“I know all the answers in life and if one of them turns out to be incorrect and I end up failing and looking like a doofus, it’s someone else’s fault.”

In dating, pride shows up in one primary way: not learning from past mistakes and then moving on.  So, you made a few mistakes in your dating career and your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend was a jerk a few times – so what?  It’s time to leave this where it belongs: in the past.

Telling the story over and over again to others, playing the role of victim, or wondering what the heck is wrong with people will not help the situation.  If this is happening to you, it’s time to take responsibility, move on, and get back out on the field to show people how amazing you are.

MEN: I am sick of hearing you complain about your life.  I am  especially tired of hearing these two lame excuses:

• Why can’t I find the right woman?
• Why do I hate my job so much?

The problem is not women, society, your company, or your boss.

It’s you.

You can do something about it, however.  What if there was a way you could find (and keep) both a girlfriend and a job using the same method at the same time?

There is.

Get my free report ’8 Steps to Finding (and Keeping) a Girlfriend and a Great Job’ at my Coaching website: http://www.successquestions.ca

While you’re at, call me at (604) 682-4129 to talk about what’s happening in your life and how I can support you through it. 

You were not meant to go through life on your own – I am here to help – all you need to do is ask.

She can dance, too?

Breaking News Flash: YOU are the President of YOU, Inc.  As President, you are responsible for the entire company: Sales, Marketing, Operations, Customer Service, Brand Management - the works. Success or failure of You, Inc. ultimately falls on your shoulders.  No pressure or anything, right?

Being the President is a tough job – the stress involved can be enormous.  This is precisely the reason why a great President is intentional about assembling a talented team of people around him (or her) to lean on for support. 

In my mind, the most critically important role in a President’s support team is the “First Lady” - his best friend, closest confidant, and biggest fan.  Thankfully, I have been blessed to have found my ”First Lady” in my beautiful wife Beth.   

Now, I want to help other men find their First Lady through the magical powers of 1-on-1 Coaching.  Here is how we do it:  

PHASE I – PREPARING YOU TO STEP-UP AS PRESIDENT

Purpose: Learn about yourself deeply and prepare for a serious relationship.

1. PAST - Who Were You?
   • What is your dating story and what can we learn about the mistakes you have made?
2. NOW - Who Are You and What Needs to Change? 
   • MENTAL - What do you you think about the majority of the time and what needs to change? 
   • PHYSICAL - How physically fit are you and what needs to change?    
   • FINANCIAL - How healthy are your financially and what needs to change? 
   • RELATIONSHIPS (Friends and Family) – How vibrant are your relationships with friends and family and what needs to change?
   • CAREER – How passionate and excited are you about your career and what needs to change? 
   • PERSONAL BRANDING – What is unique and exceptional about you? (ie. Selling Yourself)
   • COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIP BUILDING SKILLS – How skilled are you at asking powerful questions, acknowledgement, and helping other people?
   • RISK TAKING THRESHOLD - How much risk do you take in life? How can we put you into uncomfortable situations to increase the level of risk you are willing to take on?
3. FUTURE - Who are you Becoming?
   • Who are you in 25 and50 years after being happily married?  

PHASE II – FINDING YOUR MICHELLE OBAMA

Purpose: Be strategic in developing a “Game Plan” to find your ideal woman.

1. Who is she?  What does she look and sound like?  
2. Where do you meet her?
3. When is she there?
4. How do you make contact with her?
5. What do you say?
6. Why should she go out with you?

Notice that this is not at all picking up, getting laid, exploiting, or manipulating a woman. It is about learning deeply about yourself and taking confident action with accountability.

KEY ACCOUNTABILITIES:

One of the biggest value added pieces of Coaching is accountability.  As I mentioned yesterday, reading a book on relationships will not cut it if you just put it down and never actually do anything.  Instead, Coaching helps you apply what you are learning, making it go deep, and having someone kick your ass if you don’t do what you say you will do.

In this program, your accountabilities: 

1. Homework Journal - I will give you homework each week.  You need a place to record your answers, learning, and progress.
2. Fulfill My Challenges – I will push you to your limits of what’s “possible” or “comfortable.”
3. Develop Your “Personal Playbook” – a detailed description of You, Inc.
4. Develop Your “Game Plan” to find your ‘Michelle Obama’

What I am accountable for:

1. Provide Discipline – book/pay for appointments in advance, no cancellation within 24 hours, ensure you follow through on commitments/accountabilities, challenge you when you hide or are evasive. 
2. Ask You Powerful Questions to help create learning.
3. Encourage and Acknowledge Who You Are at your Core.
4. Provide Challenges that Push You into Action

My Ambitious Goal (I LIKE TO THINK BIG!)

I want to have you in a solid, ‘marriage minded’ relationship in 6-12 months.  Or, if you want to really be pushed, invite me to your Engagement Party in 12 months so that we can celebrate one of the greatest accomplishments of your life.

So, if you are a Young Professional Man frustrated because you have not found your “Michelle Obama,” I can help. Contact me today to set-up a 25 minute phone conversation to discuss what we need to do to get you back on the right track.

Or, if you’re not sure if Coaching is right for you, get my free report, “5 Ways to Find Your Michelle Obama” at my Coaching website: http://www.successquestions.ca

andrew@successquestions.ca / (604) 682-4129