Maybe you want candy?

What is the thing that you most want in your life right now?

Why are you not going after it? (Answer without providing a long drawn out story or excuse.)

You need to be doing this – do not waste another day.

I have a Moleskine and I just noticed how weird the term 'Moleskine' is.

I hate Journaling. Not because I don’t see value in it – it has always been something I have WANTED to do but could never complete consistently.

I am torn – I highly value reflection and keeping a record of what is happening in any given moment so that I can review and revisit later.

But journaling feels forced and mechanical to me after a few days.

I guess this Blog is like a journal. However, although I am honest, open, and vulnerable on it, I feel there is a different purpose behind this – to be an example to other men that vulnerability is cool and also show the value of reaching out to another man for help (especially in 1-on-1 Coaching.)

Today, I had a breakthrough. I came up with a journaling alternative:

I am going to write down at least 10 things that happen in any given day that I am thankful for – a new client, new idea, new E-Book, demonstration of good time mgt, a great Coaching call – whatever, as long as it was cool and I am thankful for it.

And instead of Journaling, I am calling it the ‘Man-List.’ I like that title better.

I know this isn’t a new idea. For me though, the best ideas are those that come right when you need them.

How do you reflect on what you are thankful for?

Baseball and Poker have the World Series.

Your favourite TV show is most likely a Series (mine is ‘The Office.’)

Well, friends… I think it’s time for a new Series.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all Ages. It is my pleasure to introduce… (drum roll please!)

The F-Series:

1. F1: What the F is Life Coaching?
2. F2: Why the F would I want Life Coaching?
3. F3: I don’t have the F-ing money or F-ing time for Life Coaching!
4. F4 Who the F is Andrew Parkes, anyway?

(Massive, Ear Shattering Applause)

Let’s start with F1.

F1: What the F is Life Coaching?

What I used to think a Coach did:

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being inspired, pumped up, or motivated.

But has that really gotten you anywhere? Have these kinds of speeches really motivated you to make long lasting, deep, life altering changes in your life?

I don’t think so.

No, another movie speech (or car, beer, drug, woman, job… you get my drift) will not help you move closer to achieving your dreams and living at 100% of your potential.

Why? Because all of these things are external. We reach for them because it’s easy. The real hard work needs to be done on the inside – where the answers you are looking for (and truth) reside.

Here’s what I now believe a Life Coach is:

1. A Key Holder
   • to unlock the learning (and subsequent action) that lives deep inside you.
2. A Peer
   • not someone wiser, cooler, god-like, or better looking than you with it ‘all together’ and all the answers you need.
3. A Confidant
   • creates a safe environment where honesty, accountability, and vulnerability reign supreme.
4. A Powerful Question Asker
   • possessing an intense curiosity… someone that asks questions you have never been asked before or have always avoided answering.
5. A Person Without an Agenda for You
   • everyone tries to create and maintain a certain image around other people (like your Boss, Girlfriend, Wife, Mom, or Dad.) What would it be like to be around someone that you can be your true self, not afraid of what that person thinks?

I am a trained Coach through the Coaches Training Institute (CTI.) Here is how CTI defines Coaching:

CTI coaching holds that people are naturally creative, resourceful and whole – completely capable of finding their own answers to whatever challenges they face. The job of a Co-Active Coach is to ask powerful questions, listen and empower to elicit the skills and creativity a client already possesses, rather than instruct or advise.

The Bottom Line…

You won’t find the answers you are looking for outside yourself. Life Coaching is about looking inside with a trusted, curious confidant. It is an exhilarating, life changing journey to the core of who you are… scary but also a whole lot of freaking fun.

Are you ready to find out more? Check out my Coaching website or contact me to set-up a free sample Coaching session. 

Tomorrow, F2: Why the F would I want Life Coaching?

• What am I going to eat today?
• When am I going to go to the gym today and what will I do?
• How can I reach my goals today?
• How can I complete items on my to-do list today?

See what’s missing here?

YOU.

Specifically, what is important to you and how can I help?

And not just the idea or feeling of helping without the willingness to actually help. No, the actual doing part, too.

I am working on this. I appreciate your patience.  In fact, in an hour from now, I am leaving my work/to-do-list/goals/gym time behind to help some friends move.  Are you proud of me??

Here’s a really simple thing you could do to help me:

Tell every Young Professional Man you know about my new 1-on-1 Life Coaching website called Success Questions:

http://www.successquestions.ca

Tomorrow, I will give you an even more compelling reason to help me (other than the goodness of your little heart.)

And, while you’re doing this, let me know how I can help you (and give me a gentle slap when I get too caught up in my own world to follow through!)

In previous posts, I discussed:   

• Young Professional Men (YPM) Foundation Principles:
  • Generosity (http://andrewparkes.me/2009/06/25/ypm-foundation-principle-4-generosity/)
  • Vulnerability (http://andrewparkes.me/2009/06/22/ypm-foundation-principle-1-vulnerability/)
  • Candor (http://andrewparkes.me/2009/06/24/ypm-foundation-principle-3-candor/)
  • Accountability (http://andrewparkes.me/2009/06/23/ypm-foundation-principle-2-accountability/)
• What is a YPM Group and Why Would I Need One? (http://andrewparkes.me/2009/06/26/what-is-a-ypm-group-and-why-would-i-need-one/)

Today, I will focus on how to recruit your YPM group in 6 steps:

(Adapted from Keith Ferrazzi’s excellent book, ‘Who’s Got Your Back?’ )

1. Brainstorm.

Come up with a list of potential members. Ultimately you want 3-6 people in your group, but not everyone will take you up on the offer, so don’t limit yourself in the brainstorming stage.

You’re looking for 3-6 members who are:

• People you respect and admire and wouldn’t want to let down.
• People who will truly hold you accountable and ensure that you respect your core values.
• People who share your level of commitment and ambition
• Highly motivated people who are ready to roll up their sleeves.
• Goal-oriented people—even if they haven’t yet articulated their own goals.
• People with a positive attitude, no matter what their field of expertise.
• Empathetic listeners, who tend to repeat what you have said in a way that makes it clear they “get it”
• People with diverse backgrounds, for a variety of viewpoints.

Ask yourself:

• Is the person willing to speak candidly to you? Does he have the courage to tell you the truths you need to hear? Will he allow you to be candid with him in return?
• Is he able to be open and vulnerable with you? Is he understanding about your fears and struggles?
• Is he ready to hold you accountable to help you achieve your goals, and overcome the behaviors that are holding you back? Will he let you do the same for him?
• Is he generous to you and others? Is he generous enough to let you help him?

2. Reach out.

Send your potential recruits (whether you’ve identified one or twelve) a casual email or give them a quick call – whatever feels right to your relationship – to feel out whether they’re interested.

The email might look like this:

I’m putting together a peer support group of Young Male Professionals to make a big push toward accomplishing some major career and personal goals. The idea is that as a team, we can get further faster by giving each other feedback, supporting each other, and holding each other accountable to progress. The goal is to become a group who’s deeply committed to not letting each other fail.

We’ll be meeting biweekly for at least the next three months. If you’re interested in hearing more, give me a call!

Don’t be offended if guys you contact say no! You’re asking for a big commitment and not everyone will be at a moment where they want to pursue their success with such focus and commitment.

3. Follow up.

If they express interest, have a phone call to:

• Tell them more about the idea behind and need for the group
• Talk about your personal goals and theirs
• Talk about the time commitment they could make:
  • Meetings should run two hours, but will they be weekly, biweekly, or monthly?

Ooverstate, not understate, the commitment. Tell them not to decide now… take a couple days to think about it first.

4. Once you’ve invited everyone to your group, get everyone’s input on:

• When to meet (ask everyone for three weekly 2-hour windows of availability)
• Where to meet (anywhere can work, as long as it’s quiet, comfortable and convenient to all, and reasonably private)
• The names of other potential members, if you need more

5. Confirm the time and place with an e-mail to all group members.

6. Surrender your crown.

Once you’ve got your team onboard and aligned around a first meeting date and place, it’s time for you to step down as leader. Everyone has equal ownership of the group. Congratulations and get set for your first meeting!

Stay tuned… tomorrow I will post a suggested agenda for your first group meeting.  Get to work on recruiting your group!

Yesterday (Sunday), I competed in my first ever outdoor running race.  Not just any race, mind you.  This one was 16 KM long and straight uphill (elevation change of 4,100 feet) stretching from the ocean to the peak of Vancouver’s highest mountain.

On Saturday, I almost backed out.

Why?

Fear.

I feared not being able to do it. 

I feared that I had not trained enough, did not know the course well enough, or that I was not in good enough shape.

I feared that I was not a runner… that my body was not built like an endurance athlete or designed for that much punishment.  

I feared looking like an amateur in front of experienced runners.  That I would be left in the dust by old and out of shape people. 

Above all, I feared that my mind would give up far before my body.

What made me go through with it?

Fear.

Overcoming the fear made crossing the finish line that much sweeter. 

Overcoming the fear made me truly value the accomplishment.   

Overcoming the fear made me realize that fear is designed to limit myself and what I believe I can accomplish.

Overcoming the fear gave me new perspective on any other fears lurking in my head.  I realized how unfounded and weak they are.

Overcoming the fear made me feel proud in front of my friends and family when they asked how the race went.

The next time you feel fear, go after it… challenge it… wrestle it to the ground… put fear into a submission hold where you cut off its air supply, suffocating it until you feel it tap out.  Then, raise your hands high, savour the well earned victory, and reflect on how the fight itself was so much easier than the pre-fight that occured in your head.

Up until I was 23 years old, I was an Overachiever.  My gas tank ran on a fuel called ‘the admiration and praise of others.’  If other people were impressed by my achievements, I felt great.  If other people were indifferent or unimpressed, I felt dejected.  These feelings drove me for hours on end to a secret Mad Scientist lab in my head where I thought of newer and better ways to create positive impressions.

Life was a constant roller coaster ride.  All the while, I couldn’t stop thinking, ‘LET ME OFF THIS THING.’

What do I think helped me to permanently get off?  DIAGNOSIS and PRESCRIPTION

DIAGNOSIS

Check out the chart below from Keith Ferrazzi’s new book, ‘Who’s Got Your Back.’  Can you see any behaviours in here that you recognize in yourself?

Ask yourself these questions:

• What is the behavior you want to stop?
• How did the “old behavior” affect others?
• Envision yourself stopping the behavior. What would life be like without the behavior?

PRESCRIPTION

Let’s do something about this.  Commit to:

1. Not living a day longer without addressing this behaviour.
2. Enlist an Accountability Buddy or join a mutual support group (like Young Professional Men) to check in weekly on the following question:
   • On a scale of 0-5, how well did you do in taking action to change your chosen behavior or bad habit?

Why Every Man Should Get a Facial

For my birthday a couple of days ago, my wife surprised me with what I thought would be a dud gift:

• a full facial treatment at a spa

My first thought when I received this was… NO WAY! Men do not get those. Even the way my wife tip-toed around introducing the subject showed me that she wasn’t sure how I would react. I was offered an exit clause if I was adamant about not going through with it.

Thinking about it further helped me to see the 2 problems with giving this gift:

• Problem 1: Are you implying that there is something wrong with my face?
• Problem 2: Spa treatments are for chicks. That’s their domain. A man’s man does not hang out or spend time in a spa.

I went through with it.

And I must say, it was a great experience… both relaxing and rejuvenating.

But the main benefit for me was that I pushed through the uncomfortable-ness of being in an unfamiliar place doing something that I once thought was something that men do not do.

This is important to me. Why? Because the more I put myself in uncomfortable positions, where I look like an amateur (or even possibly less of a ‘man’) the more I redefine any self-imposed limitations/definitions and get to experience something enriching at the same time.

I walked out of that spa relaxed (what my wife intended) and brimming with even more confidence in myself (an unintended consequence and something I don’t think my wife thought I could ever get any more of!)

Guys… try it.

Maybe next week I will write about a pedicure?