It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Here’s my honest belief about men: we avoid our feelings – both positive feelings (celebration, joy, happiness) and negative feelings (sadness, despair, rejection, unhappiness.) Why is this? I think men avoid really feeling because it scares us to stop and just ‘be’ for a few minutes instead of ‘do.’  We want to move quickly onto the next action, self-medicate, or simply dismiss feelings as something for women or ‘sissies.’ 

How do I know this?  Because I do it… a lot.  A few examples: 

• I quit my job a couple of months ago to be a full-time Life Coach working mainly with men that hate their jobs or can’t find a good woman. Since then, I have been successful in that I now am working with 23 men.  However, do I feel successful or take time to celebrate what I have accomplished? No, sir. Deep down, I feel the pressure to work harder in an effort to find even more clients.
• My wife says, ‘You are not spending enough time with me.’  Instead of trying to think about what it must feel like for her to be in 2nd place, I dismiss this (‘I need to build my business.’) or try to fix it (‘Could I schedule you in from 9-9:30 every night and then get back to work?’)

I have a lot of other examples in my own life: accomplishments or acheivements that I should have really taken the time to cherish and celebrate… or negative feelings that I avoid or let bounce off me like I am made out of Teflon so that I can avoid feeling them.

Funny Story: I told myself I would buy myself a road bike when I found 10 new Coaching clients in September as a celebratory reward.  Did I do it?  Nope. Maybe it’s that I didn’t feel getting 10 clients was a big enough deal.  Or maybe it was that I still don’t feel worthy of buying myself a ‘luxury item’ like this.  Or maybe it’s that I just didn’t take the time.  I really don’t know. But I do know that I didn’t stop to celebrate or buy a bike and it right now that bothers me.     

However, I am working on it - this week, I plan to go bike shopping. And, most importantly, I am spending more time with my wife – because I want to.

Final thought: What did you do last Sunday? Chances are you might have watched football.  Next Sunday, do me a favour – let me know if you see any examples of men on the field that either passionately celebrate or look (really) unhappy at some points during the game.  Then ask, why does my life not include this same kind of emotion?

Dear Men: I Struggle. And I know you do, too.

I am guessing that turkeys hate Thanksgiving more than any other day.

Today is the Thanksgiving Day holiday in Canada.  A day off to recover from a monster turkey feast and spend some time reflecting on all the things we can be  thankful for. Here are some of mine:

• God
• My beautiful wife, Beth.
• Amazing Friends and Family.
• My health.
• Freedom – in so many different ways.
• Coaching – super cool clients, colleagues, and a tonne of opportunities since I quit my job in July to be a full-time Coach.

I could think of a million more things I could be thankful for – there are so many.  But what stands out the most to me today is how quickly I forget to be thankful.  After what only seems like a couple of minutes, I will get caught up in my own world – what to do I have to do, achieve, conquer?  What’s the next action?  The pressure mounts and a constant striving for ‘more’ creates 0 space for reflection on how thankful I should be for all the amazing things I have provided.

So, today, I will stop, take a breath, and be thankful.   And, in a couple of minutes when I forget, I will try to remember to do that again.

Dear Men: I Struggle. And I know you do, too.

This looks just like my family physician.

Yesterday, we went discussed why Avoidance and Self-Medication are poor options when you are Sick. 

Today, we will talk about a better option: Go to the Doctor (ie. Get Help)   

Admitting that there is something wrong and that you need to get help with it is tough – no one likes to think that he or she needs help to deal with anything. But have you ever noticed what happens in your mind and body when you make a doctor’s appointment to get something taken care of?  There is a shift – almost a feeling inside like ‘I have admitted that something is not right and now I am doing something about it.’

So you go to the Doctor.  And what happens?  Hopefully, the Doc will listen to you and ask detailed questions to understand what is happening. After a thorough diagnostic process, a doctor will determine a treatment regimen that makes the most sense.  As well, he/she will schedule a follow-up appointment and a way to carefully check-in with you to ensure that the treatment process is successful.

Don’t miss the steps here:

1. Patient realizes: ‘Something is wrong.’
2. Patient reaches out for help by making an appointment with a Doctor.
3. Doctor asks, ‘What is the problem?’
4. Patient explains the problem.
5. Doctor asks follow-up questions until he/she has fully explored the issue.
6. Doctor examines the patient by doing an assessment and tests.
7. Proper treatment is prescribed
8. Patient takes action on treatment process.
9. Follow-Up Appointment(s) is Booked and Doctor monitors patient’s progress.

To sum up: a medical issue is best treated by a trained, medical professional.

But what about non-medical life issues?  In other words, which Life Doctor (or trusted confidant/friend) would you go to for help with your life issues? (aka. struggles) 

The answer for most men is ‘DR. NOBODY.’  And I believe this is slowly killing them.

I want you to do something - if you are struggling with something in your life, please find a person to talk to about it.  Even if you just talk about it out loud to yourself.  Reaching out to another person for help and support is not weakness – no one is meant to go through life on their own.  We all need someone to listen, encourage, and kick our ass from time to time. I have multiple people in my life that are ‘my team’ (my wife, father, my own Coach, and close friends) and I can’t imagine where I would be without them.

If you’re sick (this includes all of us), it’s time to reach out for help!

Ever felt this way?

Imagine for a minute that you are sick… very sick. There is something wrong and you are feeling the worst you have ever felt.

The problem is that that you don’t know what the problem is – you just see the symptoms (pain, exhaustion, low energy, wheezing) come up over and over again.  Well, my sick friend, looks like you have 3 options to figure out what’s happening:

Option 1 – Avoidance (ie. Do Nothing)

This is the classic ‘hope scenario’ – that if I avoid or stop thinking about a problem it will magically go away.  Has this ever worked for you?  It has for me… but only in delaying dealing with the issue so that I can do something else instead.

In medical terms, not consulting with the properly trained doctor when you are sick could actually kill you.  Or cause you to deal with a lot of completely unnecessary pain and suffering. 

Option 2 – Self-Medicate to Deal with the Pain

I see this as medicating without proper diagnosis.  It would be like grabbing a few aspirin or pain killers, hoping that this will take away the pain.   

In life, this could be a book, seminar, car, woman man, food, drug, drink, or other external source/substance will help dull the pain he is feeling. 

Has this ever worked for you?  It has for me… temporarily.  But quickly after the ‘newness’ dwindles, the pain will come back.  Imagine going your whole life jumping from one quick fix to another without actually addressing the true cause of the pain?  This is tragic.

The bottom line is this: For most of us, when a ’negative’ or unwanted feeling comes up (pain, exhaustion, sadness, etc.) we generally try to avoid it or reach for something to quickly fix it. Instead, what about asking ‘Why am I feeling this?‘ and sit quietly with that for a while.  Although very difficult, this might be the most helpful thing we could do to understand better what is happening.     

There is another option - Option 3 - ’Go to the Doctor.’  We’ll talk about that tomorrow.

Ever felt this way, fellas?

Dear Men (and Ladies),

If you have been following my Blog, you’ll notice that I have been writing a lot lately about where I struggle in life especially in these areas:

• healthy eating
• motivation to exercise
• my marriage
• selecting goals
• getting enough rest
• handling social media
• developing male friendships

I have decided to take a brief time-out from writing about my struggles today to answer this key question: ‘Andrew, my man – why are you even writing about your struggles on a public forum like your Blog in the first place?’  Here’s the simple answer: Because if I don’t talk about them, they would slowly kill me.  

From an early age, men are taught to be strong, independent, in control, with all the answers, and everything figured out.

You and I both know that this is a freaking joke.  As listed above, I have struggles in life.  And so do you.  Below our optimistic, positive, ‘Nothing’s Wrong’ exterior are some serious questions and doubts that we haven’t found an answer to yet.  Maybe like: 

• Why can’t I meet a good woman?
• Why can’t I understand my wife or kids?
• Why can’t I find a job that I actually like?
• Why is it so difficult for me to fully enjoy or feel the present moment?
• Why does the voice in my head say that I am always falling behind?
• Why is it so hard for me to make and maintain deep male friendships?
• Why am I always rushing from one thing to the next?
• Why do I never feel good enough?
• Who am I without my job, home, car, clothes, wife/girlfriend?

What do most men do about these questions?  The answer is nothing.  In fact, most of us repress, hide, deny, or try to cover up any evidence that struggle exists in our lives.  The key word here is ‘try’  because as hard as we ‘try’, the effects of struggle are impossible to cover up completely - they surface sooner or later.  And, above all, covering up something is a lot of hard work.

Over the next couple of days, I want to show you how crazy hiding, denying, covering up, or doing nothing about your struggles actually is.  See you tomorrow.

The Twitter symbol in case you just arrived here from Planet Uranus.

No doubt we live in the Information Age – a good thing because of how easy it is to access information on virtually any topic… especially while sitting in my underwear drinking a latte at 2 o’clock in the morning.

But also a bad thing because the sheer amount of information available sometimes crashes down on me like a tsunami – ever searched online for good statistics on how many single men in Vancouver hate their jobs? An absolute nightmare – I chased rabbit holes for hours only to come away with something that wasn’t overly helpful.

Here are some of my most common Twitter/Internet/Social media struggles:

I struggle with the voice in my head that clocks how much real, productive time happens for me while I am on the Web  - as soon as I sign into Facebook, a little ‘pressure stopwatch’ activates in my head. It evaluates each of the things I do in Facebook and asks, ‘Are you wasting time now?’  As the seconds tick away, this little bugger gets louder and louder.  Ever tried to surf Facebook for 5 minutes and stop?  Good luck. Call me when you are able to do it.

I struggle with trying to keep up – here is a list of the things I am trying to stay current on every day: E-Mail, 20 different Blogs, 600+ Facebook friends, Facebook Messages, Meet-Ups, 100 Twitter streams, other Social Media sites (Brazen Careerist, 20 Something Bloggers, etc.) The list goes on and on – following each of these religiously could easily suck up my whole day.  The funny thing is that I don’t even look at other potential info sources like online news sites, I don’t have a TV, listen to the radio, or read a newspaper. 

I struggle with feeling like I am missing something if I don’t check everything - what if someone Tweets about a cure for cancer the day I decide to do a Tweet-Fast?   

I struggle with caring sometimes about people’s updates, postings, or pictures - people’s agenda for the day just doesn’t interest me that much.

I struggle with reading comprehension – why is it that I can’t really remember any of the gold nuggets I took away from the Blog posts I have read over the last 63 hours?

I struggle with writing comments on other people’s tweets/blog/updates when I don’t feel like it but feel like I ’should.’ – That weird pressure deep down inside that drives you to do things you don’t want to do. So you put a half ass effort into it and think, ‘At least I kinda showed up.’ 

I struggle with posting stuff on my Blog, Twitter, or Facebook that people will actually care about – who really cares what I have to say on my Blog or updates?

I struggle with showing only 10% of who I really am on Social Media – the trap of social media is that you only show what you want to.  If I don’t let you know who I really am, what I really struggle with, what I am really about, etc. are you really my ‘Friend’ or ‘Follower?’  I don’t think so.  

I struggle with sometimes thinking I can use Social Media as a Sales, Publicity, or a ‘Look at How Great I am’ tool – I have caught myself getting to ‘Sales-y’ about what I do on Social Media and it bothers me.  Sure, I have a message I want to reach people with – but shoving a business card in someone’s face and saying ‘Sign Here’ is not what I am about and actually makes me sick.    

Above all, I struggle with the fine balance between a healthy amount of computer vs. face time. I am currently spending too much time in front of the computer, with the justification that I need to ‘keep up’ on E-Mail, Blog Posts… whatever.  The fact is, I DON’T.  Yet, I do. And there lies the struggle. 

Dear Men: I Struggle. And I know you do, too.

These are not mine, by the way. I 'borrowed' them.

Dear Men: I Struggle… with Goals.

I struggle with goal setting – my initial exuberance for certain goals usually wears off quickly.

I struggle with goal tracking – I have set-up countless systems to record goal progress – only to never revisit them again.

I struggle to remember my goals – I have them written on a white board right in front of me and I still forget to look at them!

I struggle to go for a few days without wanting to drastically change my goals.

I struggle with an addiction to ’goal newness’ – getting really into a new book, idea, routine, or workout and then see it fizzle out after the initial excitement wears off.

I struggle with goal execution – I get easily bored with routine, regularly scheduled tasks, meetings, responsibilities. I hate doing things that have become all too ’familiar.’  

I struggle with keeping my goals simple – I go from wanting really minimalistic, easy to remember goals to then wanting to write a 10 page purpose, vision, and mission treatise on the man, myth, legend known as Andrew Parkes. 

I struggle with goals that become ’have to’s’ - then it becomes just about wanting to get them off my plate instead of actually enjoying their completion.

I struggle with making goals too ambitious.

I struggle with making goals way too realistic.

Above all, I struggle with wanting discipline, consistency, and commitment in my life vs. fun, excitement, spontanety, and something new every day.  I believe in both and I am trying to find the right balance between the two – a major struggle for me.   

Dear Men: I Struggle. And I know you do, too.

Time to get up!

Dear Men: I Struggle… with rest.

• I struggle with sleep – I don’t get enough but I can’t get myself to bed earlier. Going to bed at 9 feels like I am 80 years old and have nothing left to live for.
• I struggle with naps – I can’t fall asleep or I sleep for 3 hours.
• I struggle with being able to stay in bed - I don’t have a problem getting up early. My problem is that I am not able to sleep in.
• I struggle with slowing down – finding what ‘enough’ is and actually sticking to it.
• I struggle with properly breathing – I always forget to take deep, full breaths.
• I struggle with doing nothing or having a ‘lazy day’ - I get anxious. A voice says ‘Do Something!’ or I am wasting my time and life.
• I struggle with waiting – such as in a line at the grocery store or at the airport if I don’t have a book or IPod.
• I struggle with consistent prayer, meditation, and quiet time – I believe in it and practice it but sometimes feel that I don’t have time to do it.
• I struggle with recovery and recuperation time – being okay with not doing something because I am ‘too tired’ or don’t feel well.
• I struggle with truly relaxing – as evidenced by the tension my wife massages out every night in my trapezius muscles.

Above all, I struggle with believing in the concept, value, and benefit of rest but having a hard time actually doing it without my mind drifting to the next action, project, or To-Do list item I want to tackle.

Dear Men: I Struggle. And I know you do, too.

Is it just me or is it hard to enjoy this?

Dear Men: I Struggle… with Exercise.

I struggle to maintain motivation to exercise. I go a lot – probably 5 times per week. Good discipline, yes but quite a few times I literally have to drag my reluctant butt there because I am close to talking myself out of it. I find it hard to get really excited about going but I get anxious if I don’t go or if I am contemplating not going. I often feel like I am not pushing myself hard enough when I am there. I don’t have real, tangible goals that motivate and energize me for more than 13 hours.  I don’t have a routine that I can stick with for more than 2 worksouts without getting bored. I don’t feel like I am making progress. Heck, I don’t even really know what progress is.  I like classes but I hate the pressure of having to get to the gym at a certain time, go early to fight for a spot, hang around doing nothing until the class begins, do a half ass warm up and cool down, listen to mind numbing chatter about the weather from other classmates, etc. And I hate routine – classes get repetitive after a while… same routine, same music, same people that are giving 10% and yapping the whole class, and same instructor that doesn’t really care.  I dread the same old, same olds of the gym – the same old cardio, same old weight machines, same old weird dudes staring at me as I walk naked to the showers.

And no, I don’t like running outside – despite the fresh air and everyone’s recommendation. 

Above all, I struggle with how quickly exercise gets old, tired, and boring.  Why does a gym, routine, or exercise habit suck so quickly after it is started?  I want to join a brand new gym every day that is walking distance to my place, has amazing classes, lets me in for free, and has a nice locker room. Is that asking too much?             

Dear Men: I Struggle. And I know you do, too.